COMPOSITION OF THE RELATIONSHIP
We spend our lives seeking meaningful relationships. It is the core fulcrum of our lives. Not wealth, fame or fortune. If we were to dig deeper for the real motive behind any of these apparent preoccupations, we will see that they all stem for the desire to establish meaningful relationships. Relationships are the active ingredient of every one's existence. For instance when Al Capone, the infamous mob boss of Chicago was asked for the reason of his long history of henious crimes, his response – "What crimes? I was just trying to help and protect my friends and families!" Alexander the Great's quest for power was largely an attempt to establish a fulfilling relationship with his ambitious mother. Even the "renounced sannyasi" living in isolation is attempting to establish a relationship with God. It is the most important aspect of our existence and behooves closer scrutiny.
Relationships do not just exist. They are experienced on a regular basis. Physical proximity is not an essential component of all relationships. Even the most physical of all types of relationships, namely conjugal relationships do not require physical intimacy to flourish. They may dwindle even with physical intimacy or strengthen with separation. In fact any type of relationship, be it parental, friendly etc. is not predicated on physical association.
Relationship involves only two people. Two and only two distinct people. Certainly, a person may develop relationships with an organization, a country or to mankind. These are really derived relationships, based on aggregating a set of individual relationships. For instance a foreigner's relationship with a country is based on the interactions he has had with the people he met. Some of these may be good, others not so pleasant. The person weighs, mixes and composites all these individual relationships and comes up with a derived relationship to the country. But in essence, it is based on a series of individual, atomic relationships.
What makes relationships good or bad? Viable or untenable? Vibrant or insipid? In order to better understand the inner working of relationships let's review the basic nature of a relationship.
BASIC COMPONENTS OF A RELATIONSHIP
There is a natural, intrinsic depth in each and every relationship. This is decided primarily by the characteristics of the two people involved. Let's call this the "Relationship Channel." In order to better understand the components of a relationship, it helps to visualize a relationship between two people as two set of uni-directional channels running between them. Each of the channel, which we can call the "relationship channel," represents the nature of the relationship from one person to another. Please note that each of these are uni-directional, since a relationship simply flows from one person to another. The reciprocal relationship will flow in its own charecteristic channel.
A relationship is comprised of the following integral elements:
1. The depth of the relationship channel
2. The composition of the relationship channel
3. The strength of the flow in the channel
4. Symmetrey of the channels
Let us review each of these elements
THE DEPTH OF THE RELATIOPNSHIP CHANNEL
Channel depths are predicated on the intrinsic nature of the people between whom they run. In all cases, it is the interpersonal chemistry that decides the depth of the relationship channel. Just as one cannot change his or her intrinsic nature, the depth of these channels cannot be changed. It is best to acknowledge and accept this fact. One may think that this is a rather fatalistic view. What is the point of investing any effort when the relationships are as hard wired as one's nature? Well, the same can be said of one's intrinsic nature. The Meyer-Briggs (MBTI) personality indicator does not change over the life time of a person. But that does not stop the discerning individual from improving himself. This is because most of us use a small fraction of our inherent potential. Acknowledging our strengths and weaknesses and then operating from this platform of knowledge provides a tremendous opportunity for improvements.
Similarly for relationships. Even though the intrinsic nature of relationship we have with other people will never change, if we were to understand this nature better and work on this understanding then we can optimally experience all our relationships to their maximum potential. We will also be able to avoid frustrations of unmet expectations that are the scourge of almost all our dealings with other people.
THE COMPOSITION OF THE RELATIOPNSHIP CHANNEL
The Relationship Channel also reflects the nature of the relationship. That is the composition of the relationship. This determines if a relationship is between friends, lovers, parent-child, enemies, and casual acquaintances. It is very important to acknowledge the composition of the relationship channel, since they define the intrinsic nature of the relationship, irrespective of whether the channel is deep or shallow. For instance two people may share a casual flirtatious relationship indicating a shallow conjugal flow. The composition of the flow could also be mixed over various mellows, but there will always be one predominating mellow that establishes the nature of the relationship.
The composition of the flow cannot change over time. We see relationships evolve and get apparently re-defined, seemingly leading to altered channels. For instance a boss may marry his secretary and there is a new composition of the channel flow concomitant to this re-defined relation. However, this is typically a case of the true nature of the channel coming into focus. With time and interactions the understanding of the nature of the relationship channel may evolve – but its intrinsic nature does not change.
THE STRENGTH OF THE FLOW IN THE CHANNEL
The third aspect of an operating relationship is the flow – or the active exchanges that nourish a relationship. A deep channel is conducive to a strong flow and a shallow channel will allow a minimal flow. So the relationship between good friends has the potential of being very strong and active – since the channel is deep and the flow can be strong. However the relationships when the channel is shallow will not be able to accommodate a strong flow of interactions. It is thus important to acknowledge that some relationships will always be superficial (shallow channels) and some deep because of the nature of the channel that is there. One should not attempt a strong vibrant flow in a relationship with a shallow channel. Conversely one should be aware that there is the potential of a strong relationship if the channel is deep.
Unlike the relationship channel, the relationship flow is a variable and can be consciously controlled or altered. Strangers may meet, become good friends, eventually marry and later separate. All these are due to the changes in the volume of the flow of relationship. The flow of relationships is in our hands and we can decide on its intensity and composition. However it is important to reiterate that the flow is subject to the limitations of the depth and nature of the channel, which never changes.
SYMMETRY OF THE CHANNELS
Functional relationships need to be symmetrical. This means that both the persons involved in the relationships invest commensurately into the relationship. Otherwise the relationship is doomed to dwindle into a negligible flow over a period of time or worse become dysfunctional.
The obvious example of the need for this symmetry is in conjugal relationships where the common refrain is "do you love me as much as I do?" This is not a rhetorical question but one based on strong primal instincts that for a relationship to work there must be symmetry. Symmetry does not mean that the stimulus-response is identical at both the ends. Indeed that is not possible and in the interest of variety not even desirable. Symmetry means that both the persons are willing to invest equally into the relationship. So a wife may expect flattery from the husband and the husband may expect service. As long as there is symmetry, relationships will sustain. The notion of the harmonious relationship is one in which there is symmetry. If not then they will go through the expectation-frustration cycle and exist in turmoil and disharmony.
It is easy to observe the impact of lack of symmetry. A husband who does not pay attention to his wife, a friend who only calls up only in need or a child who reciprocates love with coldness. In all these cases, the relationship is doomed, irrespective of what the channel depth or flow is.
A relationship may be fraternal (friendly), conjugal (sexual), parental, servitude or neutral. The flow should also be symmetrical in terms of the composition of the flow. If a man regards a woman as a sister and she regards him as a lover, the relationship is obviously going to run into serious problems. So the symmetry should not only be in terms of quantity but also quality.
Symmetry is to some extend in our hand. We can work at our end of the relationship to establish symmetry or counsel the other person to reach a symmetrical platform. However it takes two to establish this. A man interested in a woman can really not do much about the lack of reciprocation from her end. He could acknowledge the depth of the channel and control his flow. But in the end, for the relationship to become functional he will need to control his flow to become symmetrical with hers. Else there will be this constant cycle of unmet expectations. In order to avoid this, we should extend or hold ourselves back in a relationship till we are comfortable with the level of symmetry.
PUTTING IT TOGETHER
So we can now put these four critical aspects together to understand the dynamics of a relationship. Between two people there is a pre-defined relationship channel of a certain depth and composition. This defines the nature and potential of the relationship. For every active relationship there is a flow, which is the nature of interactions. While the channel is fixed, the flow varies based on several factors like social pressures, time available and interest. They may change as the nature of a relationship evolves. Example a boss and his secretary may marry. While the channel depth remains the same, the flow now changes to some thing more personal and intimate. Strangers meet and become best friends. The flow has increased, nourished by association and mutual interest. Similarly close friends may move to geographically distant places and the strong flow may dwindle to a trickle. In establishing and evaluating a relationship one needs to be aware of these factors, the depth and the flow.
Finally, given the channel and flow, there is the need of symmetry in a vibrant relationship. This means that the flow should be proportional from both ends of the channel. Lack of symmetry is the single biggest cause of unhappiness in relationships. If the relationship is asymmetrical, then one must consciously control the flow to levels that are commensurate to the others, provided of course the depth is there to accommodate this flow. Relationships are dynamic and need to be constantly evaluated on the basis of these factors. What is the nature and depth of the relationship channel with the person, is the flow full or does it need to be adjusted, is there to symmetry or does it need to to established?
HOW DO WE USE THIS IN REAL LIFE ?
The test of the pudding is in the eating. All this should result in an improvement of our relationships with other people. Pervasive, vibrant relationships will lead us to the holy grail of our very existence, the most elusive yet sought after aspect of our existence - happiness!!
As a first step we need to evaluate all our relationships, after having prioritized them in order of importance to us. After having done this we need to examine them from these three aspects:
1. What is the composition of the Relationship channel? Are we actings based on our understanding of this composition? If not then we need to adjust.
2. What is the channel depth? We always know this from our side and can make a good guess of what it is from the other side.Are we fulling utilizing this depth or are we over flooding it?
3. What is the flow: Is the relationship replete with frequent exchanges or simply exists on monotonous, repetitive exchanges.
4. Is there symmetry: From our end and the other. Is the depth-flow the same at both ends or is it unbalanced?
Based on this we can now act to improve our relationships. If we acknowledge a relationship to be intrinsically shallow, then we must stop investing too much into it. Conversely if there is potential of great depth, and we are inclined to pursue it, then we can safely increase the flow. At all times we should monitor for symmetry. If it is lacking then we either back off or consult with the other person to see the possibility of him increasing the flow. If symmetry is lacking we work to establish it or else we are setting our selves up for disappointment. The perfect relationship will have a symmetrical flow up to the maximum depth that the channel allows. As all our relationships near perfection, our happiness quotient will automatically shoot up.
THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP
It is not a coincidence that each and every one of us is searching for the perfect relationship – at all points in our lives. The reason is that we have all experienced the "perfect relationship" at some point of time, and that experience has left a strong hankering for this perfect relationship. Really speaking, nothing in the material world can be perfect. We can only deal with grades of imperfection; the only perfect relationship is that which one has with Krishna. This is a channel with infinite depth, flowing to the brim and perfectly symmetrical. We are all spirit souls and at some point in the near or distant past we have experienced this. Due to various reasons that relationship has become asymmetrical from our end while we focused on other things. But the sense perfect happiness in tasting this perfect relationships remains in us. And like a musk deer we look for it in the wrong places, while all the while the Supreme Lord patiently waits for us to revive the flow from our end re-establish the symmetry.
So let us practice first on those around us while we meditate on the Supreme. As we become comfortable with our relationships, as the distractions reduce and expenditure of useless energy and emotions dwindle – we focus more and more on the important things. We focus on our relationship with Krishna
 Copyright © Media Features of India
|